Recently I have noticed vodaphone outlet. Dog photo got pasted on the entrance, tagged below the dog “HAPPY TO SEE YOU” It’s very funny to me and wanted to share this information to you all.

Vodaphone brought hutch India network along with the dog. They made dog as their ambassador ?

I got some few queries:

Is Dog saying to human beings ” Happy to see you” ? Now a days dogs are inviting human beings…hahahaha
or
Whether Vodaphone is dog? Inviting/welcoming people to come to dog?
or
Vodaphone is thinking human beings are dogs?
or
Dogs are promoting Vodaphone ? Marketing campaigns thought of incapability of human beings?
or
Dogs are calling dogs to sell their product to Animals? If so, happy to all dogs will have exclusive store of mobile phones and mobile connections.

“Heard Vodaphone connections will be followed like a dog anywhere it seems.. I hope dog is following all Vodaphone customers?

Guys please comment on the above. I am dying laughing here.

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting…

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile

Maid: So, what is the problem? We all use our work telephones

_______
Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with “T”.
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi
petrol se start hoti hai.

________

Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from your auto.
sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.

________

Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He gave Rs.10/- and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass.

________

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer.

Boss: Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

———
On a romantic day sardar’s girlfriend asks him. Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring.
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.

________

Doctor to patient : You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die?
Patient : Yes. A good doctor.

________

How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ? Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it….

________

Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata hai. Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: I’m falling in love.

________

Museum Administrator: That’s a 500-year-old statue u’ve broken.
Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

________

A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein
Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.

________

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand,
oh!
Santa: Control yourself. Don’t cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

________

Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got irritated…
drank poison & said,
Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!

________

Banta: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all
India Radio!

________

NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE :

In an interview,
Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. …..
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup…

________

Tourist:
Whose skeleton is that?
Santa: Tipu’s skeleton.
Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?
Santa: That was Tipu’s skeleton when he was child

End..

The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the
person who lied on the face.

Kuttappan returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, ”
Son why are you late from school?”.

Kuttappan answered, “Dad we had extra classes today”.

Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped Kuttappan on
his face.

His dad told him Mone (son) This robot is special in that he can detect
a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the
truth, ” Why are you late?”

“Dad I went for a movie”, ” Which movie?” “The Ten Commandments”, Splatt
Kuttappan got a tight slap on the face from the robot.

” No dad honest I went for the movie Sex Queen.” Shame on you son when I
was your age I never used to do such shameful things.”

Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.

Hearing all this, Kuttappans mother comes walking out of the kitchen
saying, “Athu pinne enginnenaa, ningalude monealle?” ( After all he is
your son, he will be like you), to which the robot steps up and gives a
resounding slap on Kuttappans mothers face.

A Man Walks into Bar in London and Ordered 3 glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The  bartender asks him, “You know, beer goes flat after i fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time.”

The man replies. “Well you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada and I’m here in London.

When they left home, we promised that we’ll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The man became a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way.

He order 3 Beers and drinks them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2 beers all the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ” I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss.”

The Man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs.. “Oh! no” he said, “Everyone are fine both my brothers are alive”

“The only thing is

……….

……….

……….

……….

……….

……….

I just quit drinking !!!

The guy from Miller Light sits down and says, “Hey! I would like the world’s best beer, a Miller Light.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the most refreshing beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender serves him.

The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

Vijay Mallaya sits down, looks around and says, “Give me a Coke.”

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.  The other brewery bosses look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Kingfisher?”

‘Well,” says the Kingfisher Brewery Boss, “if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I!”

Babygram – X-raying a newborn
Bury the Hatchet – accidently leave a surgical instrument inside a patient
BVA – Breathing Valuable Air
BWCO – Baby Won’t Come Out (needs Caesarean)

Celestial Transfer / Transferred to the Eternal Care Unit (ECU) – died
Cephosplat – antibiotic Domestos
CFT – Chronic Food Toxicity (obesity)
Cheerioma – a patient with a highly aggressive, malignant tumour
Cold-tea sign – refers to the several cups of cold tea on the bedside cabinet beside a dead geriatric (i.e. no-one noticed the patient had died)
COPD – Chronic Old Persons Disease (unwell, no specific cause)

Dagenham – (psych) Severely disturbed, i.e. 3 stops beyond Barking
DBI – Dirt Bag Index (no. of tattoos x no. of missing teeth = days since the patient last bathed)
Dermaholiday – one of the less intensive clinical specialties…
DILF – nursing slang for good-looking doctor
Donorcycle – Motorbike
Double blind trial – two orthopaedic surgeons looking at an ECG
Doughnut – CT scanner
DTS – Danger To Shipping (in a particularly large patient’s records)

ERCP – Emergency Retrograde Clerking of Patient (an emergency catch-up procedure before the consultant rounds)

Faecal Encephalopathy – Sh*t for brains
FDSTW – Found Dead Stayed That Way
Failed Impact Resistance test – Crash victim
Failure to Fly – Attempted suicide
FLK w/ GLM – Funny Looking Kid with a Good Looking Mother
Freud squad – Psychiatrists
FUBAR – Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition

Gassers – Anaesthetists, as in gassers and slashers
God’s Waiting Room – Intensive Care Unit or Geriatric Unit
Granny Dumping – dumping elderly relative in A&E; often happens just before Christmas or family holiday, aka the hospital granny-sitting service

Handbag positive – Confused patient (usu. elderly lady) lying on hospital bed clutching handbag
Hepatology Conference – Meeting in the pub (no late appointments, I’m going to a hepatology conference)
Hi 5 – HIV positive (“V” being the Roman numeral 5)
House red – Blood

Inbreds – Doctors whose parents are also doctors
Insurance Whiplash – Neck pain secondary to a very minor car bump

JLD – Just Like Dad (which is often the explanation for FLK w/ GLM)
Journal of Anecdotal Medicine – the source to quote for less than evidence-based medical ‘facts’

LFTWM – Looking For 3 Wise Men (applied to young pregnant females who deny having had intercourse)

MCBP – Member of the College of Bystander Physicians (i.e. passing doctor having a look-see)
MFI – a very large myocardial infarction
MICO – Masterly Inactivity and Catlike Observation
MICOS – Masterly Inactivity, Catlike Observation and Steroids
Mushroom Syndrome – suffered by lowly medics who are kept in the dark and have crap piled on them

N=1 trial – a polite term for experimenting on a patient
Negative Wallet Biopsy – (US) patient transferred to cheaper hospital after discovering he has no insurance
NFN – Normal (for Norfolk)
NKDA – Not known, didn’t ask
NLPR – No Long-Playing Records (dying)

O-sign – patient unconscious with mouth open
Obecalp – a placebo drug
Ostrich Treatment – pretend it’s not there and hope it goes away

Paninvestigram – order ALL the tests (for when you haven’t got a clue what’s going on )
PFO – Pissed, Fell Over
Parentectomy – often the most effective cure for a child’s problems
Pathology outpatients – dead
Percussive maintenance – the sharp tap/bang which cures faulty equipment
Pillow Therapy – describes the urge to smother annoying patient (also Aggressive Euthanasia)
PITA – Pain In The Ass
Policeman Lesion – abnormality on an X-ray so obvious that a policeman would spot it
PVC Challenge – to intubate someone

Q-sign – patient unconscious with mouth open and tongue hanging out; Dotted Q means flies landing on tongue, i.e. dead

Rapid Lead Infusion – obnoxious patient ought to be shot
Retrospectoscope – instrument of hindsight
Rule of Five – if more than five of the patient’s orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance

Samsonite Positive – someone who comes to hospital in an ‘emergency’ but has brought all their luggage (& insists on being admitted to a ward)
Scepticaemia – what doctors develop with experience
September Club – the students who have to return early after summer holidays for exam retakes
Smellybridge – perineum
SOLOMF YOYO – So long, mother-f*****, you’re on your own

Tash Test – rather insensitive sign initially thought to be predictive of HIV status
TEETH – Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy
TF BUNDY – Totally Fucked, But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet
TFTB – Too Fat To Breathe
TLA – Three-Letter Acronym; used repeatedly by acronymophiliacs
TMB – Too Many Birthdays (old age)
Trans-occipital implant – bullet wound to the head
TTFO – Told To Fuck Off (when a doctor in court was asked about TTFO in his notes, he quick-wittedly replied that it stood for “To Take Fluids Orally”)
TUBE – Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination

UBI – Unexplained Beer Injury (usually discovered on a Sunday morning )
Unclear medicine – nuclear medicine

Vitamin H – Haloperidol (used in the treatment of schizophrenia and, more acutely, in the treatment of acute psychotic states and delirium.)
Vitamin P – Frusemide or Furosemide (or Lasix) for heart failure, cerebral/pulmonary edema. I will make you pee like a horse.
VTMK – Voice To Melt Knickers (the voice deliberately cultivated by some doctors…)

Whopper with Cheese – Obese female with vaginal thrush
Woolworth’s Test – if you can imagine patient shopping in Woolworth’s, it’s safe to give them a general anaesthetic

Zebra – an unusually strange or unexpected disease (from the saying “When you hear hoofbeats, the smart money is on horses, not zebras”)

Plus there are lots of ways of expressing the most important diagnosis…

Lignocephalic (wooden-headed)
Low marble count
Microdeckia (patient playing with less that a full deck)
Mononeuronis Asynapsis (one neuron, not connected)
Oligoneuronal (few brain cells)
Plank Positive
Pneumocephalic (air-headed)
CNS QNS – Central nervous system: quantity not sufficient
EDGATWTTTF – Elevator Doesn’t Go All The Way To The Top Floor
ERNOBW – Engine Running, No One Behind the Wheel

Finally, for a vet I know:
CSTO – Cat Smarter Than Owner
DSTO – Dog Smarter Than Owner

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